For those of you who still happen to read this blog, I would like you to know that, after much contemplation, I've come to the conclusion that I've exhausted this little corner of the internet. 

I'm awake. 
I've been awake since 6:45, even though I fell asleep around 3:00.
But more than that,
I'm awake.
I feel awake.
I'm tired. But I'm awake.
It's the strangest feeling.
I feel like this feeling is the culmination of a lot of feelings I've been feeling the past few days. 
It's the culmination of the things I've been thinking for years now. 
But then, last week, when I was walking outside at night in the cold... I felt it. 
I felt. 
I realized that 90% of my life, I spend in metacognition. 
I spend a majority of my time not being myself. 
And if I'm not being myself... who am I being?
What am I being? 
I've created this character that I thought I should portray. 
I created a person who thinks too much about the things they think.
And who thinks too much about the way they act.
And who thinks too much about they way they are perceived.
And because I've been thinking so much.
I've been acting less.
I've been acting less. 
Less like myself. 
And more like this character I've created. 
I'm silent.
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent.
I've spent so long worrying about the things I think and the things I say that I've silenced myself.
And for what? 
Who am I impressing? 
What am I missing?
And even now I can feel myself thinking. I can feel myself projecting into the future, imagining a fictional character reading what I'm saying and judging me. So I'm silencing myself. 
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent. 
I am in control.
I am in control of the things I think. 
I don't control of this anymore.
I want control of the way I act, but I don't want to control the things I think.
I don't want to warp the things I think.
I don't want to inhibit the things I think.
I don't want to suffocate the things I think. 
I read into what I'm saying so deeply I'm drowning in my own words.  
I make sure that everything makes sense.
I make sure that every sentence is perfect.
I make sure that every in-between is visible and clear.
But I get so confused about the things I'm trying to say, the things I'm trying to articulate, making sure I sound articulate, I get tongue-tied.
Then there was no point.
I'm silent because I'm worried.
I'm worried I wont be able to get the words out.
And because I worry, any attempt to get the words out, fails. 
But then, last week, as I was walking outside in the cold at night, I woke up.
I'm awake. 
I'm groggy and my vision is blurry, but I know I'm awake and I know that in an hour my drowsy mind will be clear.
And the sun will be up and the day will be visible.
I will be awake.
I am awake and I'm waking up.
My eyes are opening. 
Four intelligent men said living is easy with eyes closed but if my eyes are closed how can I see?
How can I feel?
Who can I be?
I can only be a version of myself that I can see behind my eyelids.
And if I live behind my eyelids, how do I know where I'm going?
I don't.
I'm blind.
So I opened my eyes.
And I woke up. 
I woke up to a world that I had never seen before. 
I woke up to the realm of possibilities.
I woke up and I realized that the sun will be up for approximately 10 hours. 
This isn't a lot of time.
I realized how finite time is. 
And I realized how much time I spend in my head. 
I'm wasting time.
I'm wasting your time.
I'm wasting the day's time.
I'm wasting my time.
I'm wasting my time thinking when I should be spending my time talking.
I should be spending my time being awake. 
I have things to say and I'm capable of saying them.
I have the physical ability to say them.
And I'm stifling that ability. 
For nothing.
I am not advancing.
I am not impressing.
I'm standing. 
Still.
I'm scared to step.
Because I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong.
But why would it be doing it wrong?
What have I done to believe I would do this wrong?
I haven't done anything.
I have nothing to be scared of.
The world is magnificent.
The world is breathtaking.
The world is stunning and the thing is, it's on your side.
This huge, expansive, wonderful thing.
It's on your side.
It's on your side.
It's on your side. 
It's on my side.
It's on my side. 
And it woke me up.
And I am awake.
I feel awake. 
I'm tired but I'm awake.
And it's the strangest feeling. 
And I'm not frightened of it.
I'm not scared. 


- Adriana 

Today is the third day of 2012. 

Here are some of the things I am 98% convinced I cannot live life without but will refrain from buying anyways for the sole fact that my wallet prohibits it at the moment: 

Inspired by my new camera, I decided I might want a camera case for either a) my Diana or b) my video camera. I'm hoping that having a case for my video camera will encourage me to carry it around more often. Filming is something I want to do a lot more of this year, regardless of if I have a computer to dump all the footage on or not. (This has been my latest inhibition - the lack of a Mac nearby.) Naturally, I turned to etsy to see what they had to offer. They had plenty to offer, but not exactly what I was looking for. I did, however, find these bags. Perhaps not even for my cameras, but... you know.... just to have in general.

The description for this bag described the particular color of green as "avocado." Avocado. As if the color wasn't love at first sight already.

How adorable would a cylindrical bag be to have when you only want to carry around your phone, some money, and some lipstick perhaps? I will answer that for you. Very adorable. Very adorable indeed.

I like this one for my video camera, actually. I think it could snuggly fit my camera, and protect it in my Fjallraven.

And then this one. I mean honestly..... Honestly. For real guys. How am I supposed to physically exist without this bag in my life? This one is in the running to subtly show to my mother when I sigh and remind her that it's my birthday soon.

As I searched through the "camera case" tag, I kept getting search results of small wallet sized cases to carry digital point and shoot cameras. Seeing these repeatedly, they began to resemble sunglasses cases. Which reminded me - I need a case for my glasses. My sunglasses as well, but definitely my glasses. I spent a lot of time the past week(s) staying the night at other peoples houses. Every time I would pack a bag, I would always hesitate where to store my glasses. I don't have a case for them at the moment, so the fear of breaking them would stop me from packing them altogether. So I searched for sunglasses cases. And I found these:

And bought this:

I think the first case somehow flared a nautical inspiration inside me (the colors perhaps), because I quickly became obsessed with the idea of owning a sailor dress.

This one is also in the running to stumble upon while I'm browsing the internet with my mother and, in a completely unrelated way, talking about my birthday.

That picture in particular led me to think of summer. I pictured the dress accessorized with my new Diana around my neck, my Fjallraven on my back, filled with my video camera, sunglasses, chapstick, and other summer items. My mind went to two places at this point. It simultaneously thought of a Fuji Instax 7 and swimsuits. I entertained the idea of swimsuits first. As my best friend Kolbie would have as well, I went straight to modcloth.com. Their swimsuit collection was old and scare (I mean, it IS winter at the moment) but I still fell in love with this top:

And this picture:

Am I allowed to swim in a skirt?

After I convinced myself that $73 is not, in fact, a reasonable price for a swimsuit top (after compromising with myself that I would go to Target to look at their swimsuits as soon as Aubree woke up), I turned to the camera idea. I don't know why, when picturing an ideal summer, I thought of the Fuji Instax. It's also a camera that I have wanted for a while, but I always put it on the backburner. I had other camera priorities. But now that I am lucky enough to have my first choice camera, I can focus on the Fuji Instax.

• The apartment upstairs babysits the cast of Toddlers and Tiaras. We’re pretty sure. There always seems to be a combination of running, chair moving, and high heel walking upstairs. Toddlers and Tiaras is the only conclusion.
• Seatbelts are important. And reminding each other to wear seatbelts is important.
• No matter how much you dislike that girl who lives in your building, when she knocks on your door at 12:30 AM - scared, drunk, and alone - you invite her in. Let her sit down and have some water. Write down her number and text her once she’s left telling her to come back if she needs anything at all.
• Mashed potatoes are the number one comfort food.
• Your roommates are the most important people in your life right now. And you look out for them above all else. Whether it’s by tucking them into bed after they’ve taken an Ambien, setting out a plate of Oreo’s for them when they’re sad, mouthing off someone who you have a crush on because they were being a jerk to one of your roommates, going to the store with them to buy concealer to cover up their hickey, laying in bed with the lights off when you’re both not ready to face the world, or sending them a thoughtful long text that end with “I love you. I’m always here for you. Aka: best friend.” They need you and you need them. You need them a lot. 

It was a Sunday. 
The night before, two of my roommates and I had stayed up late hanging out. 
When we woke up the next morning the three of us were lethargic and ready for a lazy Sunday.
Which is precisely what we did. 
Around 5:00, I got hungry.
Aubree was asleep, so I texted her, Facebook-ed her, and came into her room several times to get her to wake up.
I wanted to get food. 
Chelacie was Skyping with her family, so I wrote a note on our "Announcements" white board, and held it up to her.
"We're gonna go get food. Wanna come?"
She nodded her head at me as she continued to talk to her family. 
Around 6:30, I got impatient.
I went into Aubree's room and turned on her lights. 
"Allllllllright, time to get up. I'm going to die of hunger."
Aubree sat up with her eyes half open. She ran her hands through her hair, sighed, and got out of bed. 
I walked to the living room, where Chelacie was. 
She was saying goodbye to her family, via webcam.
"Good timing, Aubree's finally awake." I commented as she closed her laptop. 
Chelacie walked into our room, to get dressed and asked "Where are we going?"
"Not sure," I said, "Wherever. I'm just super hungry."
Chelacie thought about it for a moment.
"What aboooouuuuut...... Red Robins? Their fries are so good."
We all agreed. 
Red Robins it was.
Aubree turned to me.
"Can you drive?"
"Sure."

I'm scared. But I'm grateful.


- Adriana