I'm awake. 
I've been awake since 6:45, even though I fell asleep around 3:00.
But more than that,
I'm awake.
I feel awake.
I'm tired. But I'm awake.
It's the strangest feeling.
I feel like this feeling is the culmination of a lot of feelings I've been feeling the past few days. 
It's the culmination of the things I've been thinking for years now. 
But then, last week, when I was walking outside at night in the cold... I felt it. 
I felt. 
I realized that 90% of my life, I spend in metacognition. 
I spend a majority of my time not being myself. 
And if I'm not being myself... who am I being?
What am I being? 
I've created this character that I thought I should portray. 
I created a person who thinks too much about the things they think.
And who thinks too much about the way they act.
And who thinks too much about they way they are perceived.
And because I've been thinking so much.
I've been acting less.
I've been acting less. 
Less like myself. 
And more like this character I've created. 
I'm silent.
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent.
I've spent so long worrying about the things I think and the things I say that I've silenced myself.
And for what? 
Who am I impressing? 
What am I missing?
And even now I can feel myself thinking. I can feel myself projecting into the future, imagining a fictional character reading what I'm saying and judging me. So I'm silencing myself. 
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent. 
I am in control.
I am in control of the things I think. 
I don't control of this anymore.
I want control of the way I act, but I don't want to control the things I think.
I don't want to warp the things I think.
I don't want to inhibit the things I think.
I don't want to suffocate the things I think. 
I read into what I'm saying so deeply I'm drowning in my own words.  
I make sure that everything makes sense.
I make sure that every sentence is perfect.
I make sure that every in-between is visible and clear.
But I get so confused about the things I'm trying to say, the things I'm trying to articulate, making sure I sound articulate, I get tongue-tied.
Then there was no point.
I'm silent because I'm worried.
I'm worried I wont be able to get the words out.
And because I worry, any attempt to get the words out, fails. 
But then, last week, as I was walking outside in the cold at night, I woke up.
I'm awake. 
I'm groggy and my vision is blurry, but I know I'm awake and I know that in an hour my drowsy mind will be clear.
And the sun will be up and the day will be visible.
I will be awake.
I am awake and I'm waking up.
My eyes are opening. 
Four intelligent men said living is easy with eyes closed but if my eyes are closed how can I see?
How can I feel?
Who can I be?
I can only be a version of myself that I can see behind my eyelids.
And if I live behind my eyelids, how do I know where I'm going?
I don't.
I'm blind.
So I opened my eyes.
And I woke up. 
I woke up to a world that I had never seen before. 
I woke up to the realm of possibilities.
I woke up and I realized that the sun will be up for approximately 10 hours. 
This isn't a lot of time.
I realized how finite time is. 
And I realized how much time I spend in my head. 
I'm wasting time.
I'm wasting your time.
I'm wasting the day's time.
I'm wasting my time.
I'm wasting my time thinking when I should be spending my time talking.
I should be spending my time being awake. 
I have things to say and I'm capable of saying them.
I have the physical ability to say them.
And I'm stifling that ability. 
For nothing.
I am not advancing.
I am not impressing.
I'm standing. 
Still.
I'm scared to step.
Because I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong.
But why would it be doing it wrong?
What have I done to believe I would do this wrong?
I haven't done anything.
I have nothing to be scared of.
The world is magnificent.
The world is breathtaking.
The world is stunning and the thing is, it's on your side.
This huge, expansive, wonderful thing.
It's on your side.
It's on your side.
It's on your side. 
It's on my side.
It's on my side. 
And it woke me up.
And I am awake.
I feel awake. 
I'm tired but I'm awake.
And it's the strangest feeling. 
And I'm not frightened of it.
I'm not scared. 


- Adriana 

Tags: college, Orem, rant