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WELCOME WHO I AM WHERE I LIVE WHAT I DO

For those of you who still happen to read this blog, I would like you to know that, after much contemplation, I've come to the conclusion that I've exhausted this little corner of the internet. 

When I have a blog for too long, I feel like I have to keep up with the persona I've built around said blog. 
I need a change, because I have changed.
As I said in the very first post I made on this blog - on January 2nd 2010, if you can believe it - "Eventually you fill up all the pages in your journal.
And it's time for a new one.
And the story's the same,
It just has a different cover.
New year, new blog, and whatsit."
New time, new blog, and whatsit. 
I can't even believe how long ago that first post was. 
The strange thing is, it doesn't seem like it was THAT long ago.
I remember distinctly making those cupcakes.
I remember deciding to blog about it.
I remember my sister commenting on the post. 
But then when you consider all the changes my blog has gone through since then - 
The multiple renovations,
The few identity crises, 
When you consider all the changes I'VE gone through since then...
Yes.
It was a very long time ago.
I'll leave this blog here. As a reminder of who I was during 2010 and 2011. 
But I'm beginning a new blog. A blog where I will write more about college. A blog where I will worry less about being a "blog" and focus more on writing. A blog whose URL I would be happy to share with anyone who wants it. 
If you want it,
There is a comment box below. 
(Presumably. I think that's how my blog is laid out.)
Thank you for accompanying me this far, friends.
I appreciate it.
I hope you'll be there for the next leg of the journey.
- Adriana

I'm awake. 
I've been awake since 6:45, even though I fell asleep around 3:00.
But more than that,
I'm awake.
I feel awake.
I'm tired. But I'm awake.
It's the strangest feeling.
I feel like this feeling is the culmination of a lot of feelings I've been feeling the past few days. 
It's the culmination of the things I've been thinking for years now. 
But then, last week, when I was walking outside at night in the cold... I felt it. 
I felt. 
I realized that 90% of my life, I spend in metacognition. 
I spend a majority of my time not being myself. 
And if I'm not being myself... who am I being?
What am I being? 
I've created this character that I thought I should portray. 
I created a person who thinks too much about the things they think.
And who thinks too much about the way they act.
And who thinks too much about they way they are perceived.
And because I've been thinking so much.
I've been acting less.
I've been acting less. 
Less like myself. 
And more like this character I've created. 
I'm silent.
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent.
I've spent so long worrying about the things I think and the things I say that I've silenced myself.
And for what? 
Who am I impressing? 
What am I missing?
And even now I can feel myself thinking. I can feel myself projecting into the future, imagining a fictional character reading what I'm saying and judging me. So I'm silencing myself. 
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent. 
I am in control.
I am in control of the things I think. 
I don't control of this anymore.
I want control of the way I act, but I don't want to control the things I think.
I don't want to warp the things I think.
I don't want to inhibit the things I think.
I don't want to suffocate the things I think. 
I read into what I'm saying so deeply I'm drowning in my own words.  
I make sure that everything makes sense.
I make sure that every sentence is perfect.
I make sure that every in-between is visible and clear.
But I get so confused about the things I'm trying to say, the things I'm trying to articulate, making sure I sound articulate, I get tongue-tied.
Then there was no point.
I'm silent because I'm worried.
I'm worried I wont be able to get the words out.
And because I worry, any attempt to get the words out, fails. 
But then, last week, as I was walking outside in the cold at night, I woke up.
I'm awake. 
I'm groggy and my vision is blurry, but I know I'm awake and I know that in an hour my drowsy mind will be clear.
And the sun will be up and the day will be visible.
I will be awake.
I am awake and I'm waking up.
My eyes are opening. 
Four intelligent men said living is easy with eyes closed but if my eyes are closed how can I see?
How can I feel?
Who can I be?
I can only be a version of myself that I can see behind my eyelids.
And if I live behind my eyelids, how do I know where I'm going?
I don't.
I'm blind.
So I opened my eyes.
And I woke up. 
I woke up to a world that I had never seen before. 
I woke up to the realm of possibilities.
I woke up and I realized that the sun will be up for approximately 10 hours. 
This isn't a lot of time.
I realized how finite time is. 
And I realized how much time I spend in my head. 
I'm wasting time.
I'm wasting your time.
I'm wasting the day's time.
I'm wasting my time.
I'm wasting my time thinking when I should be spending my time talking.
I should be spending my time being awake. 
I have things to say and I'm capable of saying them.
I have the physical ability to say them.
And I'm stifling that ability. 
For nothing.
I am not advancing.
I am not impressing.
I'm standing. 
Still.
I'm scared to step.
Because I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong.
But why would it be doing it wrong?
What have I done to believe I would do this wrong?
I haven't done anything.
I have nothing to be scared of.
The world is magnificent.
The world is breathtaking.
The world is stunning and the thing is, it's on your side.
This huge, expansive, wonderful thing.
It's on your side.
It's on your side.
It's on your side. 
It's on my side.
It's on my side. 
And it woke me up.
And I am awake.
I feel awake. 
I'm tired but I'm awake.
And it's the strangest feeling. 
And I'm not frightened of it.
I'm not scared. 


- Adriana 

Today is the third day of 2012. 

It is currently 6:34 in the morning,
And I have been unable to sleep. 
Of course. 

For some reason, any insomniac adventures I have always coincide with online shopping.
It's a problem, I think.
The addiction I have to online shopping.
Nevertheless I am capable of spending hours upon hours on amazon, etsy, and various other websites, browsing and adding to shopping carts and wishlist-ing. 
Here are some of the things I am 98% convinced I cannot live life without but will refrain from buying anyways for the sole fact that my wallet prohibits it at the moment: 
Color Negative 120 400 Film. This really is a necessary purchase, when I get around to it. For Christmas, my sister got me a Diana F+ camera - a camera I've been lusting over for at least seven months now. The Diana is an updated recreation of the cult classic 1960's all plastic camera. It brings photography back to basics, in a very user-friendly way. User-friendly, that is, once you learn the ropes. It's been a while since I've learned something new in regards to how cameras work, and I can't even explain how excited I am to learn all the neat tricks and pictures the Diana can produce.But first I need some film. 

Inspired by my new camera, I decided I might want a camera case for either a) my Diana or b) my video camera. I'm hoping that having a case for my video camera will encourage me to carry it around more often. Filming is something I want to do a lot more of this year, regardless of if I have a computer to dump all the footage on or not. (This has been my latest inhibition - the lack of a Mac nearby.) Naturally, I turned to etsy to see what they had to offer. They had plenty to offer, but not exactly what I was looking for. I did, however, find these bags. Perhaps not even for my cameras, but... you know.... just to have in general.
The description for this bag described the particular color of green as "avocado." Avocado. As if the color wasn't love at first sight already. 
How adorable would a cylindrical bag be to have when you only want to carry around your phone, some money, and some lipstick perhaps? I will answer that for you. Very adorable. Very adorable indeed.
I like this one for my video camera, actually. I think it could snuggly fit my camera, and protect it in my Fjallraven. 
And then this one. I mean honestly..... Honestly. For real guys. How am I supposed to physically exist without this bag in my life? This one is in the running to subtly show to my mother when I sigh and remind her that it's my birthday soon. 
As I searched through the "camera case" tag, I kept getting search results of small wallet sized cases to carry digital point and shoot cameras. Seeing these repeatedly, they began to resemble sunglasses cases. Which reminded me - I need a case for my glasses. My sunglasses as well, but definitely my glasses. I spent a lot of time the past week(s) staying the night at other peoples houses. Every time I would pack a bag, I would always hesitate where to store my glasses. I don't have a case for them at the moment, so the fear of breaking them would stop me from packing them altogether. So I searched for sunglasses cases. And I found these:

And bought this:


I think the first case somehow flared a nautical inspiration inside me (the colors perhaps), because I quickly became obsessed with the idea of owning a sailor dress.
This one is also in the running to stumble upon while I'm browsing the internet with my mother and, in a completely unrelated way, talking about my birthday.
That picture in particular led me to think of summer. I pictured the dress accessorized with my new Diana around my neck, my Fjallraven on my back, filled with my video camera, sunglasses, chapstick, and other summer items. My mind went to two places at this point. It simultaneously thought of a Fuji Instax 7 and swimsuits. I entertained the idea of swimsuits first. As my best friend Kolbie would have as well, I went straight to modcloth.com. Their swimsuit collection was old and scare (I mean, it IS winter at the moment) but I still fell in love with this top:

And this picture:
Am I allowed to swim in a skirt? 
After I convinced myself that $73 is not, in fact, a reasonable price for a swimsuit top (after compromising with myself that I would go to Target to look at their swimsuits as soon as Aubree woke up), I turned to the camera idea. I don't know why, when picturing an ideal summer, I thought of the Fuji Instax. It's also a camera that I have wanted for a while, but I always put it on the backburner. I had other camera priorities. But now that I am lucky enough to have my first choice camera, I can focus on the Fuji Instax.
The Fuji Instax is a camera that produces credit card sized photos instantly. With film for Polaroid cameras almost officially extinct, these cameras are the way to go for all your instant needs (not a euphemism.) This camera would be great in social situations, and I would love it and use it a lot. 
Which is what I continually tell myself to justify the price. 
Unfortunately it's a bit pricier than my conscience will allow to convince my mom to purchase, so this will be something that I'm going to save up for.
Someday soon I will once again be shopping during the wee hours of the morning, but this time I will have sufficient funds to indulge in this purchase.
And I can't wait.

But until then, I will try to get some sleep, and dream about my glasses tin coming in the mail. 
I absolutely love getting mail. 

- Adriana 

Or, The Night Lack Of Sleep Caught Up With Your 18 Year Old Insomniac, And She Went Insane (With Her Debit Card, And Also In Her Brain)

I blame my being broke on you. 
Here's the thing. 
If you're going to hurt me,
I'm going to stay up very late.
And I am going to spend money.
This, kid, is a fact. 
When I am distressed, I cannot be alone with my thoughts. And when are you more alone than right before you go to sleep, amirite? 
Sleeping is the ultimate, don't get me wrong. It's the absolute number one pain reducer. Think about it - you don't have to think about it! You get a blissful, thoughtless sleep where you escape all of the hurt and the suck and the crap. You run away from everything without having to do any actual physical exercise at all.
It's marvelous.
However,
Getting to sleep...
That's tough. 
Because you have to lie in bed with the lights off, your mind racing a thousand miles an hour.
That, right there, is the part I don't like.
Legitimately, it scares me.
I'd much much rather stay awake.
And avoid that small moment right before I fall asleep. 
So I stay awake.
But there's only so much you can do at night, when you're too lazy to do anything productive. 
So I spend my time on the computer.
But have you noticed that social networks tend to be less fun at 4:30 in the morning?
Everyone normal is asleep,
And all social activity dies down.
This is when I start to visit websites like Amazon and Etsy.
This is when the credit card breaks out. 
This is when my countdown to homelessness begins. 
I blame my being broke on you. 
See, 
If it weren't for you, kid, would I be listening to seventeen different versions of Excuses by The Morning Benders right now?
(Maybe. 
The Morning Benders is climbing quickly to the top of my favorite music list.)
However, 
I don't think I'd be listening to it, whilst wiping my dripping nose, being absolutely (and perhaps a bit dramatically) moved by the beauty of Chris Chu and his voice and the violins and the use of the wall of sound in this song. 
So I wouldn't go to their band website, desperately hoping for some tour dates.
And I wouldn't explore the rest of the website after being informed their only tour dates are in Japan.
(Damn you, Japan.)
I wouldn't do that, so I wouldn't click on link to their merch store. 
And I wouldn't see a button package with buttons that have some lyrics from Excuses on them.
For $3.95.
Alright. 
There is absolutely no way I can't buy that. $3.95? That's a steal, if I ever did see one.
A steal with $8.00 shipping.
Hmm... is it worth it?
Shipping is twice the amount I'm actually paying for the buttons.
No. Not worth it.
Walk away, Adriana.
But to do what?
I suppose could watch a movie on Netflix.
I remember the dilemma with my roommates earlier - none of us had speakers to plug into our computers, so we could watch Netflix movies in bed as an apartment. 
I should just buy an HDMI cable.
Really.
It'll be useful for....ever. 
And then we can plug our laptops into the TV.
And stuff.
Amazon.
HDMI cables for $2.00?
No shipping?
Done and done. 
Not in the mood to watch a movie.
My mind wont allow it.
What can I do to lift my spirits then?
Of course.
HelloGiggles.com.
Always.
22 pages of articles later, I run into an item-of-the-day article featuring a fantastic iPhone case.
I remember that I'm going to buy my iPhone 4S this Friday.
Well... I suppose I'll have more money than anticipated in the next couple of weeks.
I suppose I could indulge in an iPhone cover.
I deserve it right?
Right. 
Etsy.
Oh, this one is lovely.
But I really like this other one.
But would this one make me look like a hipster?
Wait. I don't care. You do. 
This one is pretty cool, I suppose.
But is it $20.00 cool?
Oh.
This one.
This one would look smashing with my new white iPhone that I don't even own yet.
Okay.
Purchased. 
Gasp.
The Morning Benders cover of Frank Sinatra's Stranger in the Night is now making its way into my ears.
My heart melts.
Okay. 
Okay. 
I need merchandise of theirs.
They're too good.
$4.00 buttons.
That's not so bad.
.... But with eight dollar shipping.
Well...
I could just buy a 15 dollar t-shirt with it.
Then it'd be worth it.
Right?
Yes. Yes it would. 
Bought, purchased, try to stop me.
Alright. 
Still not satisfied.
Still don't want to go to sleep. 
Should I buy Vampire Weekend buttons to accompany my Morning Benders buttons?
No.
Adriana.
Stop it.
Shopping will not solve anything.
You're tired. 
And hungry.
And tired.
And have to get ready for class in 15 minutes.
Congrats, you didn't fall asleep. 
Instead you're going crazy.
Stop talking to yourself.
I'm going insane. 
I'm never going to be able to afford art school.

- Adriana


I wrote this post in October. And I never posted it. I'm not sure why. So here it is. A nearly three month old post for your reading pleasure. And if that's not enough, I have another Adventure of an 18 year old Insomniac drafted. You're welcome.

Five Things I Have Learned With My Roommates 

  • The apartment upstairs babysits the cast of Toddlers and Tiaras. We’re pretty sure. There always seems to be a combination of running, chair moving, and high heel walking upstairs. Toddlers and Tiaras is the only conclusion.
  • Seatbelts are important. And reminding each other to wear seatbelts is important.
  • No matter how much you dislike that girl who lives in your building, when she knocks on your door at 12:30 AM - scared, drunk, and alone - you invite her in. Let her sit down and have some water. Write down her number and text her once she’s left telling her to come back if she needs anything at all.
  • Mashed potatoes are the number one comfort food.
  • Your roommates are the most important people in your life right now. And you look out for them above all else. Whether it’s by tucking them into bed after they’ve taken an Ambien, setting out a plate of Oreo’s for them when they’re sad, mouthing off someone who you have a crush on because they were being a jerk to one of your roommates, going to the store with them to buy concealer to cover up their hickey, laying in bed with the lights off when you’re both not ready to face the world, or sending them a thoughtful long text that end with “I love you. I’m always here for you. Aka: best friend.” They need you and you need them. You need them a lot. 

I'm going to go shower now.

- Adriana 

It was a Sunday. 
The night before, two of my roommates and I had stayed up late hanging out. 
When we woke up the next morning the three of us were lethargic and ready for a lazy Sunday.
Which is precisely what we did. 
Around 5:00, I got hungry.
Aubree was asleep, so I texted her, Facebook-ed her, and came into her room several times to get her to wake up.
I wanted to get food. 
Chelacie was Skyping with her family, so I wrote a note on our "Announcements" white board, and held it up to her.
"We're gonna go get food. Wanna come?"
She nodded her head at me as she continued to talk to her family. 
Around 6:30, I got impatient.
I went into Aubree's room and turned on her lights. 
"Allllllllright, time to get up. I'm going to die of hunger."
Aubree sat up with her eyes half open. She ran her hands through her hair, sighed, and got out of bed. 
I walked to the living room, where Chelacie was. 
She was saying goodbye to her family, via webcam.
"Good timing, Aubree's finally awake." I commented as she closed her laptop. 
Chelacie walked into our room, to get dressed and asked "Where are we going?"
"Not sure," I said, "Wherever. I'm just super hungry."
Chelacie thought about it for a moment.
"What aboooouuuuut...... Red Robins? Their fries are so good."
We all agreed. 
Red Robins it was.
Aubree turned to me.
"Can you drive?"
"Sure."

~~~
Dinner was delicious. 
We made sure to box our bottomless stake fries with fry sauce, and Aubree boxed her left over mac & cheese. 
We walked out to my car full and happy. 
We laughed about the little kid at the table next to us who had a huge head,
Chelacie and Aubree fought over shotgun,
I announced we needed to get gas, or we wouldn't make it home. 
We began to drive. 
As we made our way down University Avenue, Aubree mentioned that one of her friends was getting his tattoo tonight. 
She said that she always promised she'd be there, and that we should stop by.
The tattoo place was near where we were contemplating getting ice cream, so I obliged. 
Besides, I enjoyed the guys who were going to be there and wanted to see them. 
We drove up the on ramp to the freeway.
Aubree mentioned how it felt incredibly late. 
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Like 8:00" someone replied.
"Holy eff? Why does it feel like it's midnight? The sun is going down way too early."
Then it happened. 
Utah County is famous for its atrocious traffic and construction. 
As we almost entered the freeway, the road curved. 
Orange cones where everywhere. 
The road looked like it might have split, and the amount of cones confused me. 
I couldn't see where to curve with the road.
So I went straight. 
We drove between two barrels, and onto the construction site. 
It was loose gravel and dirt, and we began to swerve.
I tried to get back onto the actual road.
The way the construction was set up, there was a drop off where the road and dirt met up.
Almost like a ledge.
A very sharp, very jagged ledge. 
We ran into it, and onto the road for a moment.
The ledge did something strange to my tire (I'm not entirely sure what) and we began to fishtail.
I tried to control the car.
We drove back onto the construction site, and the sharp drop off threw our car out of control.
We fishtailed to the point where we were spinning. We spun to the point where we were sliding. We slid to the point where we flipped. 
It was slow and quiet as my little white Chevy Cavalier turned on its left side and landed on the hood. 
I don't even remember thinking anything as it happened. 
I just remember thinking 
"Oh my gosh. This is happening."
The car finally stopped.
Everything sped up.
Chelacie was already reaching over and opening her door asking if everyone was okay.
Aubree was looking around making sure everyone was still in tact. 
I was hanging upside down by my seatbelt. 
Aubree told me to hold myself up, as she unbuckled me.
My arms shakily came out in front of me and made sure my weight didn't fall on the car.
Chelacie had exited the car at this point.
Aubree told me we had to go out the back door. 
She crawled in front of me, towards the back.
As I was crawling I realized "Holy shit. We're on the roof. We're crawling on the roof."
We got out, and all asked each other if everyone was fine.
I looked back at my car.
It was completely upside down.
"Oh my fucking hell...."
I turned around to Aubree and Chelacie.
"I'm so sorry," was the only thing I could think of saying.
We hugged as we all began to cry. 
I continued to apologize profusely as cars began to stop and run over to us.
"Is everyone okay?" they'd always ask.
We were all fine.
How were we all fine?
We just flipped the car.
Aubree and Chelacie weren't wearing their seat belts.
This thought sank in.
They weren't wearing their seat belts...
I began to cry and apologize more. 
Within minutes, the cop came and whisked me to his car to fill out paper work.
I saw Chelacie and Aubree blowing warm air into their cold hands as they called people.
I couldn't believe what had just happened.
It didn't feel real.
It didn't feel like it actually happened. 
I walked out to my car. The windshield was a touch away from exploding on our faces. 
The driver side window had completely folded and shattered. 
Everything in my car was thrown around and on the ceiling. 
I crawled through my car and gathered things I needed immediately.
I was shaking.
We were all shaking.
And we were safe.
No one had a single injury.
Not a scratch or a bruise.
(We would find this not to be true by the next morning.)
But at the time...
We were fine. 
And it was amazing. 
And it was terrifying. 
It was terrifying to think of what could have happened.
How much worse it could have been. 
When it was already so bad.
I didn't want to think about it. 

It's now Tuesday. 
We are all sore, and have found a number of cuts and bruises and bumps we didn't know we had. 
I still feel emotionally strange and hate to think of the responsibility I had in the situation. 
My hands shake at the thought of it.
But we're all safe.
And we're all here. 
And I know without a doubt that the fact that we're all okay is more than just a coincidence. 
It was the scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life.
But it was an experience that I think was necessary. 
For what reason, I'm not sure yet.
But it's comforting to know that as major the accident seemed, we're safe and alive to prevent something worse from happening in the future.
And for that I'm grateful.



I'm scared. But I'm grateful.


- Adriana

 
Copyright 2010 Oh, The Places We'll Go