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Once upon a time I was in a not-a-relationship-but-we-were-mostly-together-it's-complicated-okay. This relationship recently ended. Like most girls do, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. (Do guys do this too? The male mind is something I do not/will not ever understand.) Tonight, as I woke up from a 4 hour nap at 3:00 AM - this is what my sleep schedule has been reduced to - I was for some reason reminded of a conversation I had with this person, early on in our relationship. The conversation was about butterflies.
I don't remember how the conversation came up between he and I. But we ended up discussing the differences between butterflies and stomach flips. He argued that stomach flips were more powerful than butterflies: "They're kinda just like... BAM. I just made your stomach do crazy things," he said, "Butterflies are more subtle, aka not as powerful. Stomach flips are better." I argued that butterflies were more powerful than stomach flips: "My stomach could flip if I ran into my nasty seventh grade teacher at the grocery store. That's not powerful, that's just gut wrenching. Butterflies mean way more."
He tried to argue that stomach flips were more powerful, I think, because he asked me if he had ever given me butterflies. I told him no, but he had made my stomach flip before. It was an ego thing, probably - him refusing to believe butterflies meant more. His argument lied solely on the fact that butterflies were subtle. I told him that they were not subtle, but that they were progressive. It was a gradual thing that happened in our bodies when another human being woke something up inside us. This made him pause. So I continued. "If someone gives you butterflies, it's because they've evoked some sort of feeling from you. They've stirred up some emotion inside you that makes your stomach flutter. Anyone and anything can make your stomach flip. Stomach flips are a fleeting thing. But butterflies? Those sit inside you, I think."
He conceded. I won.
I'm almost positive it was the very next day that he gave me butterflies for the first time.
These are the things he and I used to talk about. Our early conversations were wonderful. There was always a new topic; we'd argue, but in a healthy and insightful way. He taught me so many things. About himself, about the world, about myself. And also a lot about cooking. Thinking back on the first half of our relationship, I don’t think I could be more delighted. It was a wonderful time where I was getting to know a beautiful human being.
I thought about the conversations we had just prior to our break up. This is what they consisted of: fights, school, fights, how-are-u’s, and kissing.
I physically cannot remember the last time he gave me butterflies.
I am seeing now that at some point in our relationship, something shifted. We fell into a routine that was suffocating the both of us. Routine is not something that anyone should be subjected to. I understand that there are "honeymoon" phases and such, and that when those wear off, you're left to deal with real emotions. But this is not what I'm talking about. I honestly believe that two people can have such a connection that they are always enlightened in a relationship, even in the smallest of ways. Everyone deserves that.
He enlightened me. But I think eventually he and I forgot how to do that for each other. The situation became complicated, and frustrating, and messy. We were more concerned about external things and hardships, that we forgot the way we communicated at the beginning of our relationship. We couldn’t remember how to get back to that place.
I still care about him more than I've cared about anyone in a very long time. He influenced my life in a way no other person could. He gave me butterflies.
He hasn't given me butterflies in a while, but he evoked something inside me. And butterflies? Those sit inside you, I think. And they sit there for a long time.
You, dear reader, deserve butterflies. Don't let anyone convince you that stomach flips will suffice. The emotion that comes with butterflies is something that you are capable of receiving and giving. And it is an experience that you are entitled to.
And hey, maybe if you're really lucky, you'll even find that person who gives you birds.
But that's another topic for another time.
- Adriana
Tags: rant
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1 comments:
And it is a love of sharing, and giving, and receiving. And that love will be received, and shared, and given.
Love you Adri, and this is a beautiful rant about butterflies.
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