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I feel as though I'm in this process of self-actualization.
I'm in this time in my life where I'm trying to really dig into the core and figure out
What I think and why I think it.
I'm trying to figure out my precepts and my dogma,
And trying to figure out what works for me.
I have certain philosophies,
But lately,
As I'm trying to really figure them,
And
Myself
Out,
I'm second guessing them.
Take love for example.
I don't believe in love.
I don't believe in relationships.
I think its silly, and I think its frivolous, and I think its foolish
But
Do I really believe that?
Or have I just convinced myself that I believe that?
Is that something that I'm really 100% sure about?
Is that something that I honestly and truly believe?
I'm suddenly questioning it,
I'm questioning my tenets.
And that's a scary thing to do,
To question your tenets
Because it's supposedly something that you held true,
So when you start to question it,
You're suddenly at a loss.
You're exposing yourself,
In the way that you would expose your fear when encountering a wild animal.
You know the saying that you should never let them smell fear, because that will give them agency to attack
But you can't help but show fear
Because
Well
It's effin terrifying.
Abandoning your ideas is like that.
All of the sudden you feel vulnerable,
You don't know what to believe anymore,
And you don't know what's going to work for you,
And you wonder if your previous views worked for you in the first place.
Like,
When did I stop believing in love, or even romantic feelings in general?
Why?
I think it's a defense mechanism.
I think I put up a guard.
But, more than anything, I think I used that as an excuse.
For so long,
I wanted to be that for someone and wanted someone to be that for me.
But it wasn't happening for me.
I'd feel something,
Anything,
For anyone,
And it was never reciprocated.
So I finally just stopped feeling.
I willed myself to stop.
So I stopped worrying and stressing about why no one could feel that for me,
And I blamed it on the fact that it was something I didn't want.
So second guessing what I believe,
And
Second guessing this guard I've built,
Has screwed me up.
For a moment, I allowed myself to perhaps feel something,
But quickly realized that it's not something that would be practical,
And the moment passed.
And that's fine.
But it's as if that one notion,
No matter how fleeting it was,
Opened up a wound.
And now there is a lingering desire to be something for somebody.
But there is also the stinging recognition that I can't, for some reason, make that happen.
I haven't seen it, I haven't seen it in myself, I haven't felt that happen
And yet all the sudden it's something I want to feel
It's something that I want
But I have the innate despondency that it's something that I will never have.
Which is the whole reason I abandoned this belief in the first place,
Because of the consumption I know it can take on me.
I will romanticize the idea
And let the idea root deep inside of me,
And when it doesn't actualize,
I will spiral.
And that's not to say I want to fall in love.
I don't.
I don't want to fall in love.
I just want a human connection,
A genuine human connection.
I want something that is circumstantial and situational,
The kind of thing where it's in the moment, and who knows what will happen tomorrow, and who cares what will happen tomorrow, because it's what good for right now.
Which, in itself, is a new idea for me.
Previously,
I avoided romantic situations
And even non-romantic situations,
Because I knew how it would end.
But, I feel like now I see the beauty in the situational.
The beauty in the moment.
The fleeting.
But even then.
As stripped down as I would like it to be,
As easy as it seems,
I know it won't be easy,
And I know that it's something that will be incredibly hard to find,
Which is infuriating,
Because now I'm impatient.
I trained myself to not think about it,
About love.
About feeling something towards another human being in general,
I trained myself to suppress the hunger.
And now that I have thought about it,
The hunger's come,
And its not even a hunger,
It's a craving,
It's a craving that I can feel hitting me full-force.
And now I don't know what to do,
I don't know whether to ignore it,
Or to satiate it.
I don't know what I believe.
I don't know what works for me.
I have to reassess and evaluate.
Which I suppose its natural,
It's human evolution,
But....
I don't know.
I don't know.
And that, my friends, is everything Adriana Martinez has thought in the past 24 hours.
It's been something I've been trying to verbalize all day,
And attempted to a couple of times,
But it's as if my thoughts kept getting cock-blocked.
Which was frustrating.
So by the time that school neared it's end and I went home,
I was so exhausted with thinking,
And trying to comprehend,
And trying to reassess,
And trying to do this all internally, because it seemed as if no one was listening,
I was so exhausted with doing all this and getting nowhere,
That by the afternoon I shut down into a mode of indifference and passivity.
Thinking and utilizing the depth of the human mind is something that I've been trying to do more of, lately.
But today,
The brain wasn't an instrument,
But rather a weapon.
Towards only myself.
It sucked, man.
- Adriana
So since I last did a real blog update I:
- Applied for college.
- Got in to college.
- Can't pay for college.
- Got a quesadilla for Christmas. (For college.)
Yes. I got a quesadilla maker, and Kolbie got a a MacBook Pro.
But I'll try not to be jealous.
I've been real puzzled about what to do with this 'ere blog when I go to college.
I dont know if I want to keep blogging on this blog.
Should I continue on this blog?
Should I create a new blog?
Should I create a new blog on tumblr?
Should I VLOG on youtube?
The possibilities are endless.
(Though, I can tell you right now I wont be vlogging any time soon.
I'm not nearly interesting enough.
I have a hard time keeping my three friends interested in my life.
Trying to keep all of YOU interested too?
Come on.)
I honestly cannot even wait to go to college.
I can't wait to have new experiences.
To live on my own.
To meet new people.
Thats what I'm most excited for.
Meeting new people.
I feel like I've met everyone in Utah.
Or at least everyone in Cottonwood.
Or at least everryone in my grade.
Or at least everyone worth meeting in my grade.
Or at least everyone in my grade worth meeting who's willing to meet me.
Aka: Not a lot of people.
I need new people in my life.
People with the same interests as me.
People who will nerdily obsess over music with me.
People who will... I dont know. Relate to me.
Not to say the people I know now dont relate to me.
I just want to meet someone.
To get to know someone.
Someone who doesnt know me.
I can't wait for that in college.
That is... if I can even pay for college.
I also got a panini maker for Christmas.
I may not be able to do my homework in college, but at least I wont starve.
- Adriana
Sometimes I
Want to be.
Dont know why I.
Think about.
Smile when.
Get angry at.
Am disappointed when.
Wish I could.
Wish you would.
Cant wait to.
Think that.
Feel like.
Get frustrated when.
Wonder if.
Want to.
Sometimes I want to real bad.
-Adriana
Yes,
You guessed it, my blogosphere friends.
Its time for another installment of.....
This weeks Onion is my good friend Rachel.
Some might even say she is too good of a friend.
Which, when we can have a conversation with literally only our eyes, she probably is.
Rachel: How am I enjoying it? Its nice... Its a lot of reading. Which sucks because I'm a procrastinator.
A: Whats the plural of platypus?
R: Platypus's..... Platypi! OR Rachels minion army.
A: What is your opinion of triangles?
R: They're very pointy when you sit on them.
A: What is last but not least?
R: Grapes.
A: What did you dream about last night?
R: I dont remember.
A: What do you wish you dreamt about last night?
R: Unicorns.
A: Why you?
R: 'Cause I'm blonde and have brown eyes. Thats why.
A: Its 2027 and youre world famous for your invention. What did you invent?
R: Underwear that never wedges in your butt.
(Interruption by our friend Kenzie who was sitting at the table as I interviewed Rachel: Theres already an invention for that. Its called not wearing underwear.)
A: Please lead us through the macarena.
R: First you put your hands out, supenation style. Then you cross your arms, and touch the opposite shoulder. Then grab your head seductively. Then place your hands on your hips, and swing them. Then grab your luscious butt. Do a 180 jump, throw your head up to the sky, and shout HEY MACARENA!
A: All you need is....
R: To quote Crime and Punishment - air.
A: Please sign your name and draw something
She drew me.
I'm glad she percieves me as a a lady with scraggly hair and a hole in her neck.
Did you follow along the macarena with her?
Did you notice she did it wrong?
Ah, I love her.
- Adriana
P.S. Who's going to be my next intervieweeeeeee?
My dog is preparing for the apocalypse.
I'm absolutely sure of it.
Every time I fill his food bowl with little doggy bits that look like - but I'm sure taste nothing like - cocoa puffs,
He waits until you walk away,
Takes a single piece,
And runs it over to his kennel.
I'm not kidding.
I noticed him do it once, but thought I had just caught some random act.
But I've been doing some serious detective work and keeping records,
(Aka - simply just watching for it)
And he does it every time.
So today I looked in is kennel,
And lo and behold there's a giant food stash in there.
He knows something I dont......
Doesnt this face look like the face of someone who's trying to tell you something?
Dont say I didnt warn you.
In other news,
I noticed my past few posts all have the word "forty" mispelled in them.
Which was embarrassing for point 4 seconds.
Meh.
You win some, you lose some.
I'm not sure why I abandoned my poor little blog for quite some time.
But I apologize for the absence.
Though I'm sure no one even noticed.
I will try to update more frequently.
But we'll see how long that thought lasts.
For now, I'll leave you with a little story.
On Tuesday, I went to the Ra Ra Riot concert.
I arrived only an hour early and expected to be pretty far back in line.
Nay, my friends.
There were only like two other girls in line.
Which allowed the band members to walk out and about.
Which allowed annoying fans like me to bug them for pictures.
I met Wes Miles and Mathieu Santos, but I mean, no big.
!!!
Also, since the last time I blogged I met Chris Tomson from Vampire Weekend.
Ok,
I didnt.
But isnt he cute in this picture?
| Vampire Weekend - Horchata .mp3 | ||
 | ||
 | Found at bee mp3 search engine |  |
- Adriana
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