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I'm awake.
I've been awake since 6:45, even though I fell asleep around 3:00.
But more than that,
I'm awake.
I feel awake.
I'm tired. But I'm awake.
It's the strangest feeling.
I feel like this feeling is the culmination of a lot of feelings I've been feeling the past few days.
It's the culmination of the things I've been thinking for years now.
But then, last week, when I was walking outside at night in the cold... I felt it.
I felt.
I realized that 90% of my life, I spend in metacognition.
I spend a majority of my time not being myself.
And if I'm not being myself... who am I being?
What am I being?
I've created this character that I thought I should portray.
I created a person who thinks too much about the things they think.
And who thinks too much about the way they act.
And who thinks too much about they way they are perceived.
And because I've been thinking so much.
I've been acting less.
I've been acting less.
Less like myself.
And more like this character I've created.
I'm silent.
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent.
I've spent so long worrying about the things I think and the things I say that I've silenced myself.
And for what?
Who am I impressing?
What am I missing?
And even now I can feel myself thinking. I can feel myself projecting into the future, imagining a fictional character reading what I'm saying and judging me. So I'm silencing myself.
I'm not quiet.
But I'm silent.
I am in control.
I am in control of the things I think.
I don't control of this anymore.
I want control of the way I act, but I don't want to control the things I think.
I don't want to warp the things I think.
I don't want to inhibit the things I think.
I don't want to suffocate the things I think.
I read into what I'm saying so deeply I'm drowning in my own words.
I make sure that everything makes sense.
I make sure that every sentence is perfect.
I make sure that every in-between is visible and clear.
But I get so confused about the things I'm trying to say, the things I'm trying to articulate, making sure I sound articulate, I get tongue-tied.
Then there was no point.
I'm silent because I'm worried.
I'm worried I wont be able to get the words out.
And because I worry, any attempt to get the words out, fails.
But then, last week, as I was walking outside in the cold at night, I woke up.
I'm awake.
I'm groggy and my vision is blurry, but I know I'm awake and I know that in an hour my drowsy mind will be clear.
And the sun will be up and the day will be visible.
I will be awake.
I am awake and I'm waking up.
My eyes are opening.
Four intelligent men said living is easy with eyes closed but if my eyes are closed how can I see?
How can I feel?
Who can I be?
I can only be a version of myself that I can see behind my eyelids.
And if I live behind my eyelids, how do I know where I'm going?
I don't.
I'm blind.
So I opened my eyes.
And I woke up.
I woke up to a world that I had never seen before.
I woke up to the realm of possibilities.
I woke up and I realized that the sun will be up for approximately 10 hours.
This isn't a lot of time.
I realized how finite time is.
And I realized how much time I spend in my head.
I'm wasting time.
I'm wasting your time.
I'm wasting the day's time.
I'm wasting my time.
I'm wasting my time thinking when I should be spending my time talking.
I should be spending my time being awake.
I have things to say and I'm capable of saying them.
I have the physical ability to say them.
And I'm stifling that ability.
For nothing.
I am not advancing.
I am not impressing.
I'm standing.
Still.
I'm scared to step.
Because I'm afraid I'm doing it wrong.
But why would it be doing it wrong?
What have I done to believe I would do this wrong?
I haven't done anything.
I have nothing to be scared of.
The world is magnificent.
The world is breathtaking.
The world is stunning and the thing is, it's on your side.
This huge, expansive, wonderful thing.
It's on your side.
It's on your side.
It's on your side.
It's on my side.
It's on my side.
And it woke me up.
And I am awake.
I feel awake.
I'm tired but I'm awake.
And it's the strangest feeling.
And I'm not frightened of it.
I'm not scared.
- Adriana
Today is the third day of 2012.
It is currently 6:34 in the morning,
And I have been unable to sleep.
Of course.
For some reason, any insomniac adventures I have always coincide with online shopping.
It's a problem, I think.
The addiction I have to online shopping.
Nevertheless I am capable of spending hours upon hours on amazon, etsy, and various other websites, browsing and adding to shopping carts and wishlist-ing.
Here are some of the things I am 98% convinced I cannot live life without but will refrain from buying anyways for the sole fact that my wallet prohibits it at the moment:
Color Negative 120 400 Film. This really is a necessary purchase, when I get around to it. For Christmas, my sister got me a Diana F+ camera - a camera I've been lusting over for at least seven months now. The Diana is an updated recreation of the cult classic 1960's all plastic camera. It brings photography back to basics, in a very user-friendly way. User-friendly, that is, once you learn the ropes. It's been a while since I've learned something new in regards to how cameras work, and I can't even explain how excited I am to learn all the neat tricks and pictures the Diana can produce.But first I need some film.
Inspired by my new camera, I decided I might want a camera case for either a) my Diana or b) my video camera. I'm hoping that having a case for my video camera will encourage me to carry it around more often. Filming is something I want to do a lot more of this year, regardless of if I have a computer to dump all the footage on or not. (This has been my latest inhibition - the lack of a Mac nearby.) Naturally, I turned to etsy to see what they had to offer. They had plenty to offer, but not exactly what I was looking for. I did, however, find these bags. Perhaps not even for my cameras, but... you know.... just to have in general.
 |
| The description for this bag described the particular color of green as "avocado." Avocado. As if the color wasn't love at first sight already. |
 |
| How adorable would a cylindrical bag be to have when you only want to carry around your phone, some money, and some lipstick perhaps? I will answer that for you. Very adorable. Very adorable indeed. |
 |
| I like this one for my video camera, actually. I think it could snuggly fit my camera, and protect it in my Fjallraven. |
 |
| And then this one. I mean honestly..... Honestly. For real guys. How am I supposed to physically exist without this bag in my life? This one is in the running to subtly show to my mother when I sigh and remind her that it's my birthday soon. |
As I searched through the "camera case" tag, I kept getting search results of small wallet sized cases to carry digital point and shoot cameras. Seeing these repeatedly, they began to resemble sunglasses cases. Which reminded me - I need a case for my glasses. My sunglasses as well, but definitely my glasses. I spent a lot of time the past week(s) staying the night at other peoples houses. Every time I would pack a bag, I would always hesitate where to store my glasses. I don't have a case for them at the moment, so the fear of breaking them would stop me from packing them altogether. So I searched for sunglasses cases. And I found these:
And bought this:
I think the first case somehow flared a nautical inspiration inside me (the colors perhaps), because I quickly became obsessed with the idea of owning a sailor dress.
 |
| This one is also in the running to stumble upon while I'm browsing the internet with my mother and, in a completely unrelated way, talking about my birthday. |
That picture in particular led me to think of summer. I pictured the dress accessorized with my new Diana around my neck, my Fjallraven on my back, filled with my video camera, sunglasses, chapstick, and other summer items. My mind went to two places at this point. It simultaneously thought of a Fuji Instax 7 and swimsuits. I entertained the idea of swimsuits first. As my best friend Kolbie would have as well, I went straight to modcloth.com. Their swimsuit collection was old and scare (I mean, it IS winter at the moment) but I still fell in love with this top:
And this picture:
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| Am I allowed to swim in a skirt? |
After I convinced myself that $73 is not, in fact, a reasonable price for a swimsuit top (after compromising with myself that I would go to Target to look at their swimsuits as soon as Aubree woke up), I turned to the camera idea. I don't know why, when picturing an ideal summer, I thought of the Fuji Instax. It's also a camera that I have wanted for a while, but I always put it on the backburner. I had other camera priorities. But now that I am lucky enough to have my first choice camera, I can focus on the Fuji Instax.
The Fuji Instax is a camera that produces credit card sized photos instantly. With film for Polaroid cameras almost officially extinct, these cameras are the way to go for all your instant needs (not a euphemism.) This camera would be great in social situations, and I would love it and use it a lot.
Which is what I continually tell myself to justify the price.
Unfortunately it's a bit pricier than my conscience will allow to convince my mom to purchase, so this will be something that I'm going to save up for.
Someday soon I will once again be shopping during the wee hours of the morning, but this time I will have sufficient funds to indulge in this purchase.
And I can't wait.
But until then, I will try to get some sleep, and dream about my glasses tin coming in the mail.
I absolutely love getting mail.
- Adriana
Or, The Night Lack Of Sleep Caught Up With Your 18 Year Old Insomniac, And She Went Insane (With Her Debit Card, And Also In Her Brain)
I blame my being broke on you.
Here's the thing.
If you're going to hurt me,
I'm going to stay up very late.
And I am going to spend money.
This, kid, is a fact.
When I am distressed, I cannot be alone with my thoughts. And when are you more alone than right before you go to sleep, amirite?
Sleeping is the ultimate, don't get me wrong. It's the absolute number one pain reducer. Think about it - you don't have to think about it! You get a blissful, thoughtless sleep where you escape all of the hurt and the suck and the crap. You run away from everything without having to do any actual physical exercise at all.
It's marvelous.
However,
Getting to sleep...
That's tough.
Because you have to lie in bed with the lights off, your mind racing a thousand miles an hour.
That, right there, is the part I don't like.
Legitimately, it scares me.
I'd much much rather stay awake.
And avoid that small moment right before I fall asleep.
So I stay awake.
But there's only so much you can do at night, when you're too lazy to do anything productive.
So I spend my time on the computer.
But have you noticed that social networks tend to be less fun at 4:30 in the morning?
Everyone normal is asleep,
And all social activity dies down.
This is when I start to visit websites like Amazon and Etsy.
This is when the credit card breaks out.
This is when my countdown to homelessness begins.
I blame my being broke on you.
See,
If it weren't for you, kid, would I be listening to seventeen different versions of Excuses by The Morning Benders right now?
(Maybe.
The Morning Benders is climbing quickly to the top of my favorite music list.)
However,
I don't think I'd be listening to it, whilst wiping my dripping nose, being absolutely (and perhaps a bit dramatically) moved by the beauty of Chris Chu and his voice and the violins and the use of the wall of sound in this song.
So I wouldn't go to their band website, desperately hoping for some tour dates.
And I wouldn't explore the rest of the website after being informed their only tour dates are in Japan.
(Damn you, Japan.)
I wouldn't do that, so I wouldn't click on link to their merch store.
And I wouldn't see a button package with buttons that have some lyrics from Excuses on them.
For $3.95.
Alright.
There is absolutely no way I can't buy that. $3.95? That's a steal, if I ever did see one.
A steal with $8.00 shipping.
Hmm... is it worth it?
Shipping is twice the amount I'm actually paying for the buttons.
No. Not worth it.
Walk away, Adriana.
But to do what?
I suppose could watch a movie on Netflix.
I remember the dilemma with my roommates earlier - none of us had speakers to plug into our computers, so we could watch Netflix movies in bed as an apartment.
I should just buy an HDMI cable.
Really.
It'll be useful for....ever.
And then we can plug our laptops into the TV.
And stuff.
Amazon.
HDMI cables for $2.00?
No shipping?
Done and done.
Not in the mood to watch a movie.
My mind wont allow it.
What can I do to lift my spirits then?
Of course.
HelloGiggles.com.
Always.
22 pages of articles later, I run into an item-of-the-day article featuring a fantastic iPhone case.
I remember that I'm going to buy my iPhone 4S this Friday.
Well... I suppose I'll have more money than anticipated in the next couple of weeks.
I suppose I could indulge in an iPhone cover.
I deserve it right?
Right.
Etsy.
Oh, this one is lovely.
But I really like this other one.
But would this one make me look like a hipster?
Wait. I don't care. You do.
This one is pretty cool, I suppose.
But is it $20.00 cool?
Oh.
This one.
This one would look smashing with my new white iPhone that I don't even own yet.
Okay.
Purchased.
Gasp.
The Morning Benders cover of Frank Sinatra's Stranger in the Night is now making its way into my ears.
My heart melts.
Okay.
Okay.
I need merchandise of theirs.
They're too good.
$4.00 buttons.
That's not so bad.
.... But with eight dollar shipping.
Well...
I could just buy a 15 dollar t-shirt with it.
Then it'd be worth it.
Right?
Yes. Yes it would.
Bought, purchased, try to stop me.
Alright.
Still not satisfied.
Still don't want to go to sleep.
Should I buy Vampire Weekend buttons to accompany my Morning Benders buttons?
No.
Adriana.
Stop it.
Shopping will not solve anything.
You're tired.
And hungry.
And tired.
And have to get ready for class in 15 minutes.
Congrats, you didn't fall asleep.
Instead you're going crazy.
Stop talking to yourself.
I'm going insane.
I'm never going to be able to afford art school.
I'm never going to be able to afford art school.
- Adriana
I wrote this post in October. And I never posted it. I'm not sure why. So here it is. A nearly three month old post for your reading pleasure. And if that's not enough, I have another Adventure of an 18 year old Insomniac drafted. You're welcome.
I wrote this post in October. And I never posted it. I'm not sure why. So here it is. A nearly three month old post for your reading pleasure. And if that's not enough, I have another Adventure of an 18 year old Insomniac drafted. You're welcome.
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