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I feel as though I'm in this process of self-actualization.
I'm in this time in my life where I'm trying to really dig into the core and figure out
What I think and why I think it.
I'm trying to figure out my precepts and my dogma,
And trying to figure out what works for me.
I have certain philosophies,
But lately,
As I'm trying to really figure them,
And
Myself
Out,
I'm second guessing them.
Take love for example.
I don't believe in love.
I don't believe in relationships.
I think its silly, and I think its frivolous, and I think its foolish
But
Do I really believe that?
Or have I just convinced myself that I believe that?
Is that something that I'm really 100% sure about?
Is that something that I honestly and truly believe?
I'm suddenly questioning it,
I'm questioning my tenets.
And that's a scary thing to do,
To question your tenets
Because it's supposedly something that you held true,
So when you start to question it,
You're suddenly at a loss.
You're exposing yourself,
In the way that you would expose your fear when encountering a wild animal.
You know the saying that you should never let them smell fear, because that will give them agency to attack
But you can't help but show fear
Because
Well
It's effin terrifying.
Abandoning your ideas is like that.
All of the sudden you feel vulnerable,
You don't know what to believe anymore,
And you don't know what's going to work for you,
And you wonder if your previous views worked for you in the first place.
Like,
When did I stop believing in love, or even romantic feelings in general?
Why?
I think it's a defense mechanism.
I think I put up a guard.
But, more than anything, I think I used that as an excuse.
For so long,
I wanted to be that for someone and wanted someone to be that for me.
But it wasn't happening for me.
I'd feel something,
Anything,
For anyone,
And it was never reciprocated.
So I finally just stopped feeling.
I willed myself to stop.
So I stopped worrying and stressing about why no one could feel that for me,
And I blamed it on the fact that it was something I didn't want.
So second guessing what I believe,
And
Second guessing this guard I've built,
Has screwed me up.
For a moment, I allowed myself to perhaps feel something,
But quickly realized that it's not something that would be practical,
And the moment passed.
And that's fine.
But it's as if that one notion,
No matter how fleeting it was,
Opened up a wound.
And now there is a lingering desire to be something for somebody.
But there is also the stinging recognition that I can't, for some reason, make that happen.
I haven't seen it, I haven't seen it in myself, I haven't felt that happen
And yet all the sudden it's something I want to feel
It's something that I want
But I have the innate despondency that it's something that I will never have.
Which is the whole reason I abandoned this belief in the first place,
Because of the consumption I know it can take on me.
I will romanticize the idea
And let the idea root deep inside of me,
And when it doesn't actualize,
I will spiral.
And that's not to say I want to fall in love.
I don't.
I don't want to fall in love.
I just want a human connection,
A genuine human connection.
I want something that is circumstantial and situational,
The kind of thing where it's in the moment, and who knows what will happen tomorrow, and who cares what will happen tomorrow, because it's what good for right now.
Which, in itself, is a new idea for me.
Previously,
I avoided romantic situations
And even non-romantic situations,
Because I knew how it would end.
But, I feel like now I see the beauty in the situational.
The beauty in the moment.
The fleeting.
But even then.
As stripped down as I would like it to be,
As easy as it seems,
I know it won't be easy,
And I know that it's something that will be incredibly hard to find,
Which is infuriating,
Because now I'm impatient.
I trained myself to not think about it,
About love.
About feeling something towards another human being in general,
I trained myself to suppress the hunger.
And now that I have thought about it,
The hunger's come,
And its not even a hunger,
It's a craving,
It's a craving that I can feel hitting me full-force.
And now I don't know what to do,
I don't know whether to ignore it,
Or to satiate it.
I don't know what I believe.
I don't know what works for me.
I have to reassess and evaluate.
Which I suppose its natural,
It's human evolution,
But....
I don't know.
I don't know.
And that, my friends, is everything Adriana Martinez has thought in the past 24 hours.
It's been something I've been trying to verbalize all day,
And attempted to a couple of times,
But it's as if my thoughts kept getting cock-blocked.
Which was frustrating.
So by the time that school neared it's end and I went home,
I was so exhausted with thinking,
And trying to comprehend,
And trying to reassess,
And trying to do this all internally, because it seemed as if no one was listening,
I was so exhausted with doing all this and getting nowhere,
That by the afternoon I shut down into a mode of indifference and passivity.
Thinking and utilizing the depth of the human mind is something that I've been trying to do more of, lately.
But today,
The brain wasn't an instrument,
But rather a weapon.
Towards only myself.
It sucked, man.
- Adriana
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